Freedom…… too much freedom….

I am wondering if I should be a bit less free now. But, I did enjoy not rushing, not feeling I had to do stuff , being kind to myself …..and now it feels like it is all slipping away and I will end up back where I was before the virus. And lockdown.

So maybe I will need to get bossy with myself. ( depressing thought!)

Probably I should start with exercise because I assume life is better with energy.

I haven’t been up the red brick road for at least the last 2 weeks. I’ve never been someone who goes for walks . I walk to get somewhere but not for fun!!

I hardly slept last night. I was having a lot of dark thoughts so I distracted myself by pottering on my phone, reading a book and watching an episode of the Durrells. Every time I shut my eyes the dark thoughts appeared again. The, what is life all about, am no use to anyone and what is the point of being here all by myself type of thoughts.

I know from past experience that there are no definite answers. I know that if my other house sold my life would be easier but these 3 questions would still apply.

I read somewhere that to be content you need to feel that your life means something and you need a project.

Living a day at a time doesn’t answer these questions either but it might mean that I inadvertently find some purpose and some use and am too darn tired to stay awake worrying about the meaning of life !!!

I was supposed to go to pay a bill at the commune today but decided as I was very tired I might cry if anything went wrong. So I told myself that I would just pay bills at the commune on days with a T in them. And I decided my car portrait could start tomorrow if neccessary.

So having planned the day I lay down on the bed to read… bored quite quickly and started the portrait. Am now at least half way through it.

I watched more portrait painting on youtube and finally answered a message so I have another commission. I thought about drawing something else on a screen but nothing inspired me.

The weather has been iffy today so mostly the door has been shut.

And now its wine time and time to be entertained by my latest australian cop show…. tomorrow has a T in it so will probably go pay my bill. Might have to go back to my old exercise regime which involved walking up town for a coffee and then back again.

Progress so far .
Outside half an hour ago. My favourite little cat.


  1. Hi, coeur_en_hiver from twitter here..
    I think you’re being really hard on yourself, I admire you so much because you get on and do the art and painting that I’m too afraid to do, and you have so much self-motivation and you’re learning all the time and becoming a better artist, I can see that (sorry, that probably sounds patronising, but it’s not meant like that). Also, your amazing murals are like a legacy and your little town is so lucky to have you leaving your mark and your view of the world for other people to see. X

    • Thank you. I have a tendency to be a bit hard on myself …. but not as much as I used to be. I am very happy with all the stuff I did during the lockdown . Its taking me a while to get my head round this new stuff. However I am beginning to relax and am looking forward to summer. Hope all goes well with you. I always enjoy your tweets.

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