feeling sorry for yourself really helps

Seriously it’s worth a try.

Take today for instance.  I have a silly little three wheeler car which I am afraid to drive. I scooter past it every morning and evening and glare at it and ignore the way it’s sad and lonely and grass is growing round the wheels.  It was mot ‘d and insured and fixed , cost a lot time, energy and more money than it should have to get legalised and then it has just sat there and I have ignored it. ( other than glaring)

But last night after  yoga class I decided that it was time I stopped telling myself I was scared and told myself I was brave instead. How difficult could it be to drive. Its an automatic.  So all last night I imagined myself driving up and down to Pisticci, carrying all my stuff in it and even going to yoga class in the rain in it.

So full of bravery, and bacon and eggs and coffee. I searched for the keys. someone had moved them but I found them eventually. I had my fingers crossed that it would start as it had been a while since it had been used. But after two or three turns of the key it started up. Hanging grimly on to my bravery I put it into reverse and after working out which was the brake and which the accelerator I pushed down…… and nothing. And that was it!  I tried all combinations but it would not move. And that was that.!

By now my bravery was disappearing at speed ( sadly to be replaced by a certain amount of relief) and so I got on my scooter and left.

Then I got to my studio where I should be getting on with the “just get on and do it medicine”  but instead I went out to get petrol for my scooter and I have a horrid feeling that the silencer is gone and people are not looking at me and thinking , there ‘s that interesting scottish artist ,  but what a racket, she ought to get that fixed.

Back in my studio again and its really cold.  Its hard to concentrate when my feet are freezing.  I should be getting on with some painting  but as I have only sold one in the last month it all feels a bit pointless so I go lie on the bed and read a book and get even  more cold.

So by now I am feeling cold, depressed about not selling stuff and worried cause I don’t want to pay for any more repairs to my vehicles, and I think the gas is about to run out.

Pretty sorry for myself indeed.

But now that I see it all written down , I am still here. And considering that I only learned to drive in Italy (by myself!) and have spent the last year driving an ape where I was always prepared for the brakes to fail. gears to jam, lights to fail,(all of which happened) and then paid an enormous amount of money fixing everything and then ended up selling it cause I was so stressed every time I got in it, then its little wonder driving isn’t something I associate with pleasure, or even getting to my destination.

So I guess I did alright  by just trying. Maybe I will get it looked at and have another go.

Then , it’s the lack of earning that worries me about paying  for repairs to my scooter but I have a spare scooter for parts so maybe I can pay by portrait. Which ,as I am paying another tradesperson by doing a portrait ,is actually earning. That’s ok.

So maybe its not such a bad thing to sit down and go *********it, poor me , I am cold, tired and fed up  because some times its exactly how it is.

And how else are you going to realise what a stubborn, determined, brave, deluded (oops)  talented person  you are if you don’t appreciate the difficulties and problems you  have to deal with?

So have a go. Feel sorry for yourself and see how well you are actually doing!

And now I am off to work ………………

teddy's bed

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