I am writing this in the morning because something surprising has happened and it might not last until after 4pm when I usually write this.

Last night I read on facebook that there was a plan to extend the lockdown in Italy till the end of July. I was shocked. I had expected the end of May with restrictions for some time afterwards but this was too much. At first I thought how will I live without people for so long. Closely followed by how will I even eat. I can manage, with care until the end of May but that would be another two months .

I contacted a friend to ask if she had seen it and then we had a funny conversation about eating the cats. Followed by her saying not to worry she would make sure I didn’t have to. Then another friend offered to send money. That was so kind. Hopefully unnecessary but cheered me up enormously.

Before that I was all for giving up.

I am surprised at how I actually almost enjoy this adventure that my life has become while one by one a lot of the things I thought I needed to feel secure have disappeared or been taken away. ( brexit, cataracts, pension , James etc. )

I don’t want to go on and on without getting to the point here , but this morning I woke up fighting mad. This was to be my year when I stopped feeling financially worthless. I think I might have certain skills and attributes , but none that have ever been worth anything financially. I have also grown up feeling worthless but am used to that and have more or less converted it to a driving force which keeps me trying harder.

So I am now angry in a good way and now I hope this lockdown lasts until the end of July because that gives me just over three months freedom to make something happen. Its a gift. A bit of guilt free space with a helping of serious need and desperation but backed up by the kindness of others. ( and there have been several)

I am writing this now because this is an unusual  feeling for me. I  have always been more of a surprised survivor in life. Giving up feels like my default position and then I am surprised when I am still keeping going.

By this afternoon I might not be feeling like this. But its a start. Because I haven’t ever felt like this before . I think this could be how change happens. I have the space , the opportunity and the motivation.

( and if I get coronavirus tomorrow and die…. it still counted!)

Now I had better get up.

And its 4pm.

And I did what I thought of yesterday. Now my portrait has spilled out on to the wall beside it and it looks …..ummmm ok. It makes me laugh ..so that ‘s good. It has taken me most of the day standing on a chair leaning over the cooker. It may be a sign of doolallyness or maybe its a person needing more space and bursting out of her ” frame”. Take your pick.

It was snowing this morning and has been cold and miserable outside all day. A good day for painting and writing. I spent an hour editing my book this morning. I read it out loud to myself and it didnt sound too bad.

Athough I have been busy and not looking at my phone so much I have seen that there are now about 108 cases of the virus in Basilicata. The numbers are going up still. And it seems to me …faster. Now there is a case in the next town.

Staying at home is proving an interesting experience.

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