I thought of this title this morning about 6am. And for some reason I connected it with the evening before my 15th birthday when I realised that I would never ever be 14 again. I was heartbroken . I can still remember lying in bed crying and feeling absolutely alone and scared. For the first time I suppose I knew that once time was past it was gone. I have never felt like that again.
Now sitting here at the end of 2020 I know I won’t be getting this year back again and I had such plans…..which then mostly changed to other plans…..and then went left, right or disappeared. Some were better than the original plans .
I learned a lot of new things. I was right quite often….even when I would like to have been wrong. I was both pleased with myself and disappointed that I am still not the person I want to be.
I haven’t wasted this time even though I have been virtually tied to my house all year. I have so wanted to run away….to go anywhere…to escape….but, no transport, no money and the virus have all kept me here. So I told myself repeatedly that I was on a course and had to learn as much as possible as I might never get an opportunity like this again. Sometimes I believed myself.
A lot of people became virtually important to me….Fidelma Cook, David Hockney, Jonathan Yeo, Nicki Positano, my brother, Mary from the USA to name but a few.
Twitter has been my lifeline, my newspaper and my political education, when before, it was just for fun.
I am getting to the lucky bit……
I sold my little house to someone who was walking by and saw the sign on the door. Then she walked in and loved it just like I had.
And after 4 years of wondering if I would end up homeless ( worst case scenario) I finally have a document which means I can stay here. At least for the time being.
This new year is the strangest one in my life…I am warm and have enough money for a while. I still have some left over plans to complete. And I can afford to buy a scooter in the spring. ( I have missed my scooter so much.) There is a vaccine and maybe I will get a pension next year. And brexit has made me a European. I like that a lot.
And I have started referring to problems in my life as cacti. Stupid as that may be it seems to help. I imagine myself travelling along a road to somewhere dodging the occasional cactus , but heading for the horizon and something new that is just out of sight.
Am planning to be awake at midnight even if I am in bed. Will be setting my alarm as no way am I going to miss the end of this year. !!!!!!!!!!!
But now it’s wine time. And I have a big decision to make. Will I make myself a fake pizza or just have fish fingers as usual?
I hope anyone reading this has a very good New Year and lots of good things happen to them…….