I quite like that it’s 2020. It seems in a strange way to be a cheerful number. After arriving back from scotland with some sort of virus and being in bed for nearly a week it was not the best start to the year but to be fair I was needing a rest and it gave me some time to consider what I was going to do.
This year I need to look after myself better. I think that last year was when I felt on my own and I didn’t know what to do. This year I know I am on my own and I know what I have to do.
The funny thing is that the turning point , given that I was ill and had time to think and not merely do more and more stuff to fill up the time and keep the bad thoughts at bay, was reading an article on being depressed . What I understood from it was that firstly depressed people often have a more realistic view of the world. Well, that was encouraging. Last year I had therefore more often seen things the way they actually were then. Next it said ” life is not nornally a whole lot of fun and is in fact pretty darn awful a lot of the time and that’s iust how it is. Well , relatively speaking, compared to previously , life was a tad difficult it is true. Therefore , the article said, you might as well accept that life is sad, depressing and scary and be free. This made me laugh. I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone else but I felt like something changed for me.
So last year I was merely seeing a lot more things as they were. I had spent a lot of time feeling guilty for not being happy as I felt that after James dying I should be happy just because I was alive and I felt that I was letting him down. I felt selfish and useless because I didn’t enjoy not being able to make enough money to live on and all the consequences.
But it would seem that all I was doing , according to how I read this article, was reacting to how things were. And that is what has made me feel free. And more happy. And a bit determined. And not guilty and selfish and useless. And glad for all the little things again . And kinder to myself when things are bad.
But mostly it’s that the guilt etc seems to have gone. This year’s motto. ” I might be right” is comforting and encouraging and the sun has shone nearly every day since I returned.
Who knows what will happen this year. Could be a lot of difficult things out of my control .
But it’s started well…..
I have had such a lot of fun putting images on Redbubble.com . It took me me a while to learn how to edit my photos so that I could make photos look a bit more professional but it’s a new skill and am very pleased with myself for learning how to do it. I have sold 8 things so far and realistically I would need to sell around 20 things to earn about £50. But its fun and I am very proud of a lot of my designs. Once I am properly set up…which means editing all the images I put on last year without much care or attention.( assuming it wouldn’t work.) I think it will be nice to spend not more than an hour or two a week adding more images. And who knows what will happen. Will now add some of these articles with my images on them because I am so impressed with them.