Freedom……. to feel like a failure

While the lockdown was on, any time I was scared to do something then I blamed it on my unusual circumstances. If I acheived anything then I was happy. ( and I managed to do a lot. ) I felt it was ok to be a bit frightened or nervous and therefore I was a bit of a hero to myself whenever I did anything scary.( I have quite a low scare threshold in some areas.)

But now I have no excuse. Drat!!!

So today I didn’t go to pay my tax in the commune. It had been my plan. First I put it off to the afternoon and then I thought I would just look out the folder and that would be a step in the right direction. Then I got involved in fixing an old painting and put it off til next week. Its going to rain tomorrow so I obviously can’t go then.

Then I felt very tired. ( I always feel very tired when I need an excuse to not do something. )

It probably won’t matter if I don’t pay until next week. In fact it probably wouldn’t make that much difference if I didn’t pay until December.

I don’t know why I am so bothered. Last June it took me 3 weeks of meaning to go until I actually went. Normally It all gets dealt with by a very nice lady. Usually I leave feeling relieved and happy and successful .

It is helping to write this down. This morning I was thinking how writing this blog at the end of every working day is like having someone to tell about my day. And also writing has always helped me get my thoughts in order .

Other than being ” tired and a failure” today I did a quick sketch on my phone of some paintbrushes and a peacock feather in a jug. Then put it on redbubble.com.

Next I found another painting which could be improved and accompanied by benedict cumberbatch reading a a murder mystery I fixed it and then carried on and fixed another one.

For a break I watched Jonathan Yeo paint Brian Cox again. I like his portraits. He is self taught so it’s more interesting than a lot of artists who use a lot of jargon. I don’t know how he manages to talk and paint at the same time. I am looking forward to seeing the rest of the series.

I might be feeling a bit low because it’s my birthday at the weekend and I can’t believe how old I am. My mother never reached this age. And I spent years thinking that I wouldn’t either. I wonder if people with mothers who live till they are 80 or 90 just assume they will also survive that long.

However it is now winetime and I have a friend coming so better get this finished. Tomorrow is another day……

Todays sketch as a print.
First fixed painting….mostly brightened colours
This one was more work and I added things and took others away. But it’s much better now.

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